Ugh now I'll have to carry around an overnight bag to all the bars I visit tonight. but hey! maybe I'll meet a dude! And need it!
She accidentally pre-ordered us Dominos for the next day at 11:30am... we were very confused when we woke up.
So let me get this straight. You would sleep with an uncircumcised guy whose name you didn't know, but you won't try the new shrimp taco from taco bell?
If there is a god, you will have pink eye tomorrow.
He came in like 30 seconds. That's how I know he hasn't been cheating on me while I've been gone
You just sat there and yelled "I JUST WANT TO RUB MY NIPPLES"
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
Solid teamwork gives us a good shout of both bringing home trophy cougs
The cougar has a calendar on her wall of when she can give topless handjobs again. I pity her husband.
You were literally hanging out the window and dancing to the remix to Ignition when we drove you home
Easter was a success. We had an egg hunt and hid weed and conforms inside them. Cooked a ham, made some jello, got wasted. THIS is adulthood?!
A check for $9 that I used to buy six boxes of Girl Scout cookies bounced. I think I've hit a new low.
this is the second day the intern has gotten me coffee. he either wants to bang me or thinks I'm more important than I am.
either way he's in for disappointment
They gave my sperm a pep talk after they found out we were trying.to have.a baby.
I just found two ugly toothless rednecks fucking in the woods in my backyard. The man shouted at me close the door your letting the stank out which made no sense to me cuz we where outside. Whatever. just another Monday in the Northwoods.
Randomize
