i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
Can you return condoms to CVS?
Only if you return your pride as well.
I am swimming in semen. He must have been holding it in for a special occasion.
it's so much work when my dad takes my car to get fixed, i had to take out the bottles, condoms, and my pipe
I think whatever his name is just puked on the stairs. Just an fyi for the morning. Love you.
she let a homeless guy feel her up so she could go for a ride in his shopping cart
Lots of rum and cokes. Bartender wore my underwear on his head. Lost my keys. Accidentily started a fight. DC is going to kill me
It feels kinda weird thanking you for sucking my dick, but I just don't know what else to do right now
I just call them the hipster frat because they wear shirts other than pastel polos and listen to MGMT while playing dice.
It could be worse. I was dumped by a guy in a kilt after he gave my shoes away on St. Patrick's Day.
It's like fucking tetris in this bed
He just didn't want his drunk dick pulled out of his windbreaker at the family party
Throwing my sister a bisexual bachelorette party was the best idea ever. I made out with both strippers and the hot bartender promised to "gay marry" me if I take him as my date to the wedding.
I haven't listened to news as I've been having lesbian sex all night. Anything new?
I never thought I'd be judging my neighbors sex lives before age 30 but here we are
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