remember that time i ran away from the bar and passed out in a street cot?
neither do i
I swear my cock just shook it's head disapprovingly at me.
she always made me post sex PB&Js it was like fucking a trashier Martha Stewart
Mother nature decided I wasn't going to be a whore today. Fuck her.
I told him we can only be friends from now on & he said he knows but that I'm the 'best he ever had'.
you slept with him again didn't you
you can't just quote Drake AND compliment me at the same time & receive nothin. he knows me too well
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
that's why i use the vibrator in the tanning bed. multitasking. plus then my rooms doesnt know how pathetic of a life i lead.
I need you to help me convince Steph that she will like Tequila if she would chase it with A-1
What about.....a game of twister and....wait..nevermind. I've hit my cap for sexualizing things today.
Hahahahaha. That's what your stoned ass gets for eating half a bag of processed cheese at 2am.
And now you understand the importance of Saturday naps.
Because you stay up all night having sex and eating sushi?
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
I have already put on my inside pants.
I have only made 3 good decisions in my life and getting really stoned reenacting the Lion King with my cat in a lion mane hat is 2 of them.
I'm covered in bruises and scratches. I dont know whether to call them battlescars or sex decals
Randomize
