you were holding her hair as she threw up saying "I'm going to be a great doctor" repeatedly.
I don't think I own any pants that haven't seen his bedroom floor anymore...
If I squint, he looks like Jude Law. But that's kind of a weird face to make during sex.
I just wanted to let you know that this afternoon I took a piss at the same toliet you drank out of on New Years Eve.
he tried breathing fire using moonshine and a roman candle. would not have believed it unless i actually witnessed it.
I pretty much landed into this relationship penis first
Is drinking before noon still a bad idea if you invent an amazing cocktail?
I mean. I just want to sit in my bed and eat bagels. What's wrong with that?
He told me he needed "space" but then goes and likes my insta of panacakes.. Done.
You know shit got weird when you watched another guy shove drugs up your wife's ass and it wasn't awkward for any of us....
I swear I'm going to walk in one day with you in a ballgag just masturbating feverishly
Well i can't stand the sound of my own crying
Yea she is hot. But she also had no toothpaste in her entire apartment.
I can always count on you to keep my boobs honest
My son's girlfriend just thanked me for having good penis genes.
I want you inside me. Finish your papers.
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