she's like "i'm so proud of u" ... and then i threw up on myself
Even after projectile vomiting watermelon on the beach, it still sounds appetizing.
I woke up with my bra stapled to the ceiling, her dad was in the hallway winking at me. I was the less drunk of the bunch.
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
Moments after comforting her about her boyfriend issues I found myself in the other room showing him my tits.
I'm drunk at 3:28
I'm jealous as shit at 3:34
I need drugs. Hard drugs. Today. Not tomorrow. Today. Something relaxing.
I had sex with him and I blame the Doritos
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
It felt like I was on painkillers mixed with Molly mixed with the sinking feeling I'll die alone. 10/10 doing again.
Hurricane Harvey ruined my dick appt. WTF?!
I wish I could say this wasn't the first time I shit myself in a Piggly Wiggly.
Facebook just reminded me of the time I found two IHop cheese sticks in my hand bag. Those were the days.
You think the guy at the speed wash knows he needs to scrub the vomit off the side of my car?
He knew.
I just thought you should know... Instead of a glass of wine before bed I am having a few shots of 1800. This is what being a night shift nurse will do to you... Standing in your kitchen in your undies doing shots
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