You might not want to sit on your couch. Actually you may want to throw it away. My bad.
My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.
I never had a problem I couldn't slut my way out of.
His apartment number was 69. I had to.
Someone just asked if you were the one who rode around the bar on some girls back
Well it looked like you were having a fucking apiphany sitting at the toilet with a t shirt around your head
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
Jenna, I'm going to use all my homosexual powers to steal him from you
Austin, I will climb on top of your shoulders and slowly suffocate you with my vagina
Imma need a double jack on the rocks and a BJowsky from the hot bartender.
Yes I said BJOWSKY. Pronounced "buh jow skii".
When we got home I apparently addressed everyone as 'peasant' since it was my birthday, this followed by me demanding for my "peasants to wash me".
Don't act like you're a victim to marijuana
I wrote myself a letter, like I think drunk me wants to be pen pals or something
Dude I used amphetamines responsibly today though. I snorted one in the am for work and then chewed one in the pm for other work. I'm an adult.
i really love you but i feel kinda dumb about it
I don’t want to brag, but vows, morals and will power are no match for my blow job skills
Randomize
