what made you think it was a good idea to trust the girl that hides tequila in her backpack?
he cracked the bottle of jager at 11am and said "hey, its Saturday and I gotta do something"
She started to tell me how she goes to a shrink, so I started thinking how to sneak out of her place, then she said part of it was for her sex addiction, long story short she's got her clit peirced n I just got laid
i finally found my car by the hideout. it was parked in an employee only parking space with a torn up piece of paper in the back window with the word employee scribbled on it.
I can get head just about anywhere nowadays so that's not much of an incentive, coffee on the other hand...
Found a pint glass in my snow pants.
The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.
Yep. Just threw myself a bachelorette party with my coworkers penis before I re-enter the holy order of monogomous relationships.
When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.
Dad's already had 6 Zionist conspiracy rants and moms trying to detect any "dark energies" in my soul. You have 4 days before you return to this shit: ENJOY THEM
I have to choose between charging my phone or my vibrator. This is bullshit.
I cannot take an uber back in my costume...can you please come get me?
i could only love him more if he was covered in glitter.
I'm laying backwards. On the stairs. Eating carrots. And drinking from a captain Morgan bottle.
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
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