That's the last time I fill my pockets with sushi.
Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
I got a 69.7 in accounting. I have this whole doing the bare minimum down to a science
I cant leave dude. theres a horse with a top hat on
Yeah but then he looked at me bleeding on the floor, said oh i guess you need to go to the hospital now, and left
Oh you know, watching its always sunny and petting his cat and NOT fucking. I'm starting my whorefree 2012 resolution early.
I don't give a damn about what he wants to do with his life. Personalities are for pussies.
I think I fixed my testicle. That's why I didnt pay $25 for a doctor to do it
Update- I sold my hat to some drunk kid for 50 bucks. I used my earnings to buy beer on the way home. I realize to everyone else seeing me drinking on my balcony at 6am, I look like an alcoholic, but I'm thinking of it as a night cap
Trying to convince myself that everyone keeps staring at me because I'm pretty and not because of my hickies.
Is girls night deemed a success when you piss the bed?
You're gonna be proud in the future that you fucked the next bill gates
I asked my mom if she could pick up something for me to drink since we ran out of orange juice and she goes "We have beer, champagne, and baileys. Drink one of those."
I ditched my one night stand in the hotel lobby. How did he add me on Snapchat?
I just woke up butt-naked in bed with a guy I've never seen..I reached into my bag next to the bed to get my phone and found a bag of shrooms, a handle of vodka, and 600 dollars that I've never seen. what do I do
enjoy it.
Randomize
