need another drink. this is the easiest way
Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
do you know how bad I want you right now?
As bad as i want you to stop texting me?
is that a hint?
I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
so its official, girls can see a boner through my snuggie.
Do you know how hard it is to write about pediatric crohn's when we're trying to figure out the keg situation for graduation?
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
You serve our country by fighting in the sandbox, i serve our country by entertaining rich businessmans' daughters. We each do our part.
I managed to get through my meeting without throwing up in someone else's office, so there's that for an accomplishment today.
I'm glad our friendship can withstand laughing mid-blowjob during the diarrhea scene in Dumb & Dumber.
She was nothing like her profile said, we had nothing in common, and her picture mustve been like 30 pounds ago. But yeah we hooked up
So I just went to clothing optional bar
You know, this is NOT how I pictured my life would be when I was younger, and yet here we are.
You need to stop leading guys on at bars - you're a lesbian.
And now I'm a lesbian with better self-esteem.
i just woke up from a 4 hour nap, still drunk, to make mac n cheese.
Randomize
