Only now do I see "not intended for use on skin" warning. Wonderful. But hey, my dick smells like magic marker.
I don't know which is worse: knowing all the free porn websites, or knowing which days they update their free porn.
All his texts have the signature of a date with a smile. I asked him what it means. IT'S THE DAY HE QUIT DOING DRUGS
Showering in my swimsuit in hopes of getting the beer smell out.
The cop asked you if you had been drinking and you said you drank milk out of a cow.
I rememeber. I showed him the picture on my phone of me drinking out of the utter, right?
I only saw you for about 5 min, but you were rambling about how not even the whiskey could make you fight the skeleton guards.
omg i just made best friends with a deer. Im like the drunk santa clause.
Just an FYI if we break up I'm going to sleep with your cousin or who ever my dealer is.
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
I wrote myself a letter, like I think drunk me wants to be pen pals or something
I CAN SPEAK THE LANGUAGE OF THE ANIMES.
I just did a bump with my mom so I’d sober up for Black Friday shopping
First you stole a hockey stick out of the nieghbors yard and claimed you were moses leading his children home. Then you led us around the same block twice before I called the cab
The party bus is stocked with 5 hour energies and beer and someone handing out adderall. Best. Wedding. Ever.
My sister gave me satin sheets. We can fuck on satin sheets.
Randomize
