you dont need to remember merediths name haha. only jane
who are you and why are you in my phone as dr. seuss
I can't wait til my little brother reaches the point where puking doesn't mean we stop drinking
I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
Even my Russian and Serbian roommates think I drink to much.
Well, at least he doesn't refer to you as his associate. his mattress associate
So you think it's my fault? I didn't give you the 10 shots you took nor make you eat the brownies we made... btw, i found your engagement ring, it was in the last brownie you wouldn't let me have while dragging me to my room.
sea world and a strip club? BEST DAY EVER!
I just moved 6 traffic cones blocking a row of traffic. I got applause.
Did you just send me an ass picture with a quote from the lion king?
What are you gonna do about it?
hell hath no fury like a questionably-gay best friend scorned
He told me to tell my ass that he loved and missed it, and even though he hasn't known it long, it might be the one for him
I just had a 10 minute staring contest with my dog. Can you come over?
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
Of fucking course I get my period on Valentine's Day...
Randomize