Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
Dear everyone. As mark stated i did the 'piss n run' last night. This is all new to me and it scares me. Again, sorry. "if i could turn back time" -cher
Oh. My. God. Best non-relationship, he-might-be-cheating-on-his-boyfriend-but-I-can't-tell-because-of-the-language-barrier sex EVER!
Get your damn GED now that you are harvesting a child in her belly
What is a GED?
i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
i will be the first lesbian to ever fail women's studies.
Let's enter the circle of trust. Are we there yet? Ok. If I somehow hypothetically slept with Amandas ex husband...on a scale of one to ten...how bad is that?
Yeah, clearly. And then we can float around my room on Christmas themed inner tubes. And drink, I guess.
So you met him?
More like I walked in on him, drunk, naked, and doing "bathtub yoga". Please stop bringing your dates home.
I can't be 100% sure of this but I think tonight was the first time I told a middle aged woman holding a baby to go fuck herself
Wearing the 'Let's Party' thong feels weird without you...
We should discuss this later when sobriety has returned. Right now he's just like a distant cousin.
I spent 10 minutes contemplating condensation on grapes this morning.
I'm running on two hours of sleep, a shot of vodka, and half of a granola bar. I can't be held responsible for what I do.
I tried to suck your dick underwater and almost drowned
Randomize
