You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
So then the officer asked you how you were getting home and you told him "very carefully"
My cousin just asked what abortion is. Happy Holidays.
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
I don't even have to sign up for karaoke at duncans anymore. The karaoke ppl just sign me up themselves. Without my consent. I also sang stacys mom to some lady named Stacy who's mom died yesterday.
ok... i just had to be reminded that people in animal costumes were feeding me shots at the bar.
If taco bell and midol can't fix her, she's in gods hands now.
Most of the bar is playing trivia I'm playing destroy a relationship in twenty questions
I need more social interactions that don't involve sex
We made a pact to go to the nursing home together... that way we could stay high till the bitter end. Do you not remember?
Thank fucking Christ I was not wearing pants or eating chocolate cake last night.
First time a guy goes down on me and his dog had its head on my knee the whole time. I swear it was judging me.
bonging vodka is the same level of "good idea" as eating machetes
I need an outfit that says "thanks for hiring me" but also says "i want dick in my mouth".
He said "I can't believe I had sex with a cat lady". Am I flattered or is this a new low?
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