Wow, your whole life is a joke regardless of the fact that its april fools day
I need to start cutting my cocaine with Plan B
she was sure she was an eel. She spent 40 minutes sliterhing on the floor to get to her room
Since when does sleeping with your RA not result in free meal swipes? I feel so tricked...
My professor complimented me on the well drawn penis on my face then asked if I would like a seat closer to the garbage can.
Drunk me thought he was hot enough to overlook the fact that he had poison ivy and still have sex with him. Sober me wants to know if you have any calamine lotion.
It's end St Patricks day. I'm gonna need a leash. And a bib. And a rain check on anything considered dignifying.
I forgot to tell you, the medics put you in a wheel chair. ( I kept telling you to cat daddy) oh you also gave everyone high fives for speaking English.
NO. ANAL IS NOT A GAME.
I FOUND AN AUSTRALIAN THEY CALL VOMMING 'RAINBOW SNEEZING' I'M NEVER LETTING HIM LEAVE EVER
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
Just saw a man downtown with a cat just riding on his shoulder like a furry parrot. He may be homeless, but I think he's your soul mate.
I spent two entire hours explaining to a guy why I wouldn't make out with him. How was your night?
I've seriously never been more thankful for marijuana and my resting bitchface.
I'm either hallucinating or there is a dying cat outside my apartment....
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