I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
We found her hiding in the bath tub.. And when i opened the curtain she replied "thank you" and walked out like nothing happened.
Yeah I'm a responsible adult man but I legally unbind myself from anything that occurred that evening and am in no way responsible for those actions.
I think my cats understand what porn is. And it's all my fault.
what are we doing this weekend?
I have enough booze to get us through Armageddon...which basically means that on Sunday we will have to make a trip to the liquor store.
you have a wonderful penis attached to someone I'm having a lot of problems with right now
I was tied up in bed before noon, the rest of the day can go to hell.
Found trail of ibuprofen on ground. I'm like the intervention version of e.t.
am i gonna have visuals on this?
you are gonna see the trees puking up fireworks and ninja pheonixes will shit rainbows and fire
Its people like u that make people like me go to rehab. He has a lazy eye for christ sakes.
She is the absolute last thing I would want to screw. Honestly. Fellating a porcupine. Higher on the list.
We have hung out 5 times and only had sex 3 of those times. I'd call that friendship
Woke up, bank account is empty. Sock is still full of blood. Nothing in my pockets but a wireless mic and jenga pieces.
She puked in the bed, peed in the closet, and woke up on a Rubbermaid in the closet under the stair case
I just don’t understand what sort of USPS worker wants to take my unitard and sex toys.
Randomize
