I never want to see another naked old woman again.
i just assumed he broke up with her because she wasn't a freshman anymore
You know its going to be a good homecoming when you beer bong a mimosa at 6am.
I bought a bottle of 100 proof for the storm. I am going to drink until I pass out. I'm taking bets. 1:30 pm is the over/under.
Are you dead or are you taking another 13 hour nap? you need to let me know these things ahead of time so i dont worry.
I keep telling girls I work at the carnival and then guessing their weights. I'm pretty sure I'm about to get kicked out.
You don't understand she was in the fountain pretending she was diving for treasure. I couldn't possibly ruin her dreams.
I tell myself every day I shouldn't be friends with you
Found out people don't like it when you get drunk at fundraising auctions and bid in foreign currencies.
I fucked my cousin and caught chlamydia this year. I can't really harbour any illusions about myself anymore.
I woke up in my living room, on the floor, wearing nothing but a fur coat?
Text me later if you aren't dead and wanna have a drink later
not sure what the chiropractor did but my junk deserves a cape now.
Eaten today: granola bar, pumpkin donut, and fritos. Oh, college nutrition.
Can we just take a minute to acknowledge that you're drinking with your gay ex boyfriend's DAD who is a DEACON??
Randomize
