these two guys are about to go shot for shot with syrup
now he is talking to a potato
We're going on a mission for new porn. And ice cream.
I don't know how I feel about the stuff we got from that guy. Me and Monty are driving through town listening to static at full blast...
The thing is that despite the high paying career and the increased responsibility, my life hasn't changed that much. Only instead of blacking out on $2 wells at some dive I blackout on top shelf martinis in a suit. Oh and only on Fri & Sat nights. Being 30 doesn't suck as bad as everyone led me to believe.
Besides the fact that the only male who has shown an interest in me in the last 5 months has a strange and unfortunate resemblance to fucking Frodo, I've been good thanks
In other news it turns out I like Heineken.. In a desert island kind of way
We were high as balls fucking in the back seat when we saw the blue lights. He's like, "I got this" and walked over butt ass naked and goes, "Sorry dude, we're just banging" and the cop apologized for disturbing us and drove off.
He drops f bombs like every other word and he just gave me 127 shares of tmobile stock for free. I feel like I should pay him back in blow jobs or something.
the bad thing about being great at twerking is that I'm powerless to stop myself from doing it when I'm drunk and in public.
So what your saying is I can use her desperation to my advantage. Fuck, this must be how pretty girls feel.
I've been here 20 minutes and a sweaty naked man has kissed me on the cheek.
reason #1 why i should never live alone: i haven't put pants on since she left 26 hours ago. and ive made spaghetti 3 times.
I couldn't even tell you how many times I've said "wrong hole" today
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
Tell me you're alive little brother. And please tell me you didn't get arrested. You made no fucking sense last night in your random texts and pictures you were sending me.
Randomize
