i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
We need to start having sex underwater more often.
i just rolled a joint on the giving tree. that book has given me so much.
i just lost my virginity over my 3 hour lunch break..
u hav a 3 hour lunch break?!
i like how the length of my lunch break is the thing that phases u
Woke up next to my bed in a pile of skittles, sleeping on a pair of sweatpants. I can't believe the girl didn't stick around..
So the crazy cock blocking bitch sent her a picture of her boobs using MY phone and said: he's busy at the moment
This girl came outta nowhere yelling HOLD MY DICKKKKKK!
I want to pinterest what I want to do with my pubes. Why isn't there a board for that?!
blowjobs from left handed girls are noticably better than from righties. these are the most important things I've learned this semester
He asked me if I wanted to blow his whistle and proceeded to pull out an actual whistle.
He came in two seconds and stole my pizza so I'm not counting it.
We broke into the kitchen, stole cooking aprons, and wore them on the dance floor.
The guy I hooked up with last night left me alone with his dog AND IT JUST SHIT ON THE FLOOR. WHAT DO I DO
I fucking hate them. They came over and sat on me and made out. On top of me. Who the fuck does that?
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
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