Update: Discussing lingerie with my father. He likes sheer black things. Not into the colorful stuff I wear.
I literally made his dick bleed. How the fuck do you think it went?
Paddidles count extra in the back of a cop car
so im gonna ask for shark week off tomorrow at work and i advise you do the same
how should i feel about a person who brings a box of eggo waffles on the plane as a carry on?
I would convert to being a Republican and Mormon just to sleep with Romney's sons. The things I would to do them.
"it's Wednesday" isn't a good enough excuse to take my debit card and use it for your own drunken needs. You owe me 250 bro
You know it's nice having a girlfriend who will lotion your balls for you
'go have sex with her' ddoes not count as wingman
I'm not sure what is worse, the fact that Hoffman doesn't sell vodka before 9am or that I was trying to buy vodka at 8:30am.
I'm drunk filing my taxes in a bar on a Monday afternoon in a Regular Show onesie. I think I'm starting to get the hang of this whole adult thing.
you know you're drunk when you start breaking down your body composition into organic molecules
You were holding onto her boobs like you were adrift at sea and they were the only flotation devices
You wanna know what I want to eat? Questionable Mexican food before I go drink. Makes for excitement. Will I puke it up or shit my pants
I mean, I was going to use them for a beading project, but I guess I could take one and let you bat my dick around like a cat toy.
Randomize
