Hey guys thanks for lettin me crash at your place for the weekend, I had a great time. PS I got three quarters of a hand job from an asian on the dance floor last night. True story.
I think they gave out some kind of ugly girl scholarship I don't know about...
Having sex with her was like reading the Wall Street Journal.
I think this baby is eyeing my beer
If we can only get laid once in a blue moon, apparently this will be our month.
Worst decision of artistic career thus far: bringing a banana to eat on male model day.
Can't even walk I haven't tried talking but I probably can't do that either
Why is the clock ticking so loud? Now I know how Captain Hook feels.
I haven't filled him in on Operation "find a sugar daddy & suck dick for money" yet, but I'm sure he just wants me to be happy.
So we just smoked a bowl, out of an antler, with this old dude, while standing at the bar. Dude just walked up and said we were in his spot, just began packing it and handing it around...
my talents include tricking people into giving me money and free drugs
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
I mean, I would have, but I couldn't come up with a logical reason to bring up oral sex during an orientation.
You made me brush your teeth last night......for 47 minutes.
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