I think I died a long time ago.
My girlfriend figured out who you are.
Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
Let's pretend this is a good idea before I change my mind.
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
They didn't have a "sorry I was late for your birthday party because I was getting arrested" card.
I was smelling my bathroom to make sure it didn't reek of weed...I spaced out and realized I was face to the wall sniffing it for 5 minutes.
I CAN ONLY BE THE BIRDIE ON YOUR SHOULDER WHO LEADS YOU INTO BAD DESCISIONS
Slept at my ex's best friends house while my ex was locked out and I walked by him sleeping in his car this am
I feel like asking for a towel for after I puke before I puke to be more respectful than jus going outside to puke and coming back inside covered in sweat and tears.
WHEN JENDA BENDA THE DRAG QUEEN TELLS YOU TO RUN, YOU RUN, BITCH!!!
Dude, never piss off a hungover boss.
Well, you started screaming "I dont know you GO AWAY" to your mom when she was holding your hair as you threw up in her garden.
Omg dude take a shower. You'll feel like god washed away all the sinful shit we did last night.
Apparently my hair turned out really good because I got my butthole licked by a stranger last night
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