I consider myself an expert at getting drunk and embarrassing people at weddings.
After you verbally abused the McDonalds employee for not making your fries fast enough, the fact that you woke up on a random lawn does not surprise me.
my mom went out and bought me new sheets and redecorated my room. its like she's more excited for me to get laid tomorrow for the first time in two months than I am.
you were telling us about the time you had sex in an alley and he stopped, looked up and said 'it was a cul-de-sac' and went right back to what he was doing.
You were so drunk last night you left the bar to go buy a razor so you could go home with him
Don't make emojis simulating eating me out
I just shit a hot coal. Pretty sure it's that fireball shot from yesterday.
Oh ya, I forgot to tell you, last night I woke up to the sound of you peeing on the floor next to the fridge, didn't remember until now. Have fun at Dayton!
I knew I'd like her from the moment she supported me messing around with my co-worker on my lunch break
Hey it's Males-You-Probably-Wish-You-Hadnt-Had-Sex-With Monday. MYPWYHHSWM
Did I call him? He cried after taking my bra off. You tell me.
Did you ever think you lost your bong and then you find it in the weirdest place? I mean, who leaves their bong in the shower?
If Denver makes it to the Super Bowl I'll quit drinking. So I'm pretty much stocking up on booze
stop falling asleep in the bathtub. you are not a movie star, you cannot die that way.
Well he had a nice beard and it smelled good so there was no way I wasn’t going home with him.
Randomize
