I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
I don't llike drinking between sober and blackout. Its boring.
I love college. Only here at ten in the morning can you hear "Man, hot sauce on my pussy was my worst idea in a long time." while walking down the hall.
i came on her dog
hey did i steal that bike before or after the ball dropped, casue i might have broken my resolution already
i'm on the subway and being revisted by the ghosts of tequilas past.
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
Don't bother coming over to clean the mess. I already paid two kids 5 bucks for it, just didn't tell them you peed all over the place. You do owe me 5 bucks though
So I walk in and he's teaching someone in London via Skype how to roll a blunt. I have new found respect for him.
Clearly I was drunk when I met them I gave them a muffin. But they sure remembered me
Having to crawl on my hands and knees because I woke up with a mysterious broken foot this morning...
And as drunk as I was I was able to show my mom how to make text italicized in Microsoft word
im so drunk that this cat is mothering me. aggressively
Never going back to jail again. Only time in my life I've ever had a wet dream about jerking it...
Just got my second shot
Baller. We’re going to be knee deep in strippers and coke in 10 days
Randomize
