I knocked on some strangers door, you didn't have to give me a fake hotel room number
Just saw two guys having a lawn mower race, and their girlfriends cheering them on. Get me out of Tehachapi,
ron's 8" boning knife is for sale. oh and it comes with a flavor injector.
High?
hahahahaha turkey breast
I will one day have loud vengeance sex as my revenge against you. Until then I'm just going to sit in the living room playing John Mayer while you're trying to do it.
She had just swallowed, of course i didnt kiss her goodbye
Wasn't she moving abroad?
Are you really going to debate this?
bro...we were banging on her floor and her dog walked in and started licking my balls
The only thing worse than listening to you two fuck all night was waking up and smelling bacon and there not being any left.
He only talks to me during the summer and it's probably because I let him fuck me in my pool last year.
No, this is non-alcoholic oatmeal.
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
I round house kicked her emotions in the face
Just got a blow job from a woman on a ski slope. She said ski'ing frightens her and giving head calms her down. Glad I could help ma'am!
It's official: I now only own one pair of jeans that I haven't blown the crotch out of. It might be time to put a stop to red wine Wednesdays.
You mean, in addition to red wine every-fucking-days?
I don't remember anything beyond the drinking game but I woke up in my own pee this morning so I'm just gonna go out on a limb and say I overdid it.
Setting myself up for trouble? Yes. But getting laid is a lot more important at this time.
Randomize
