I'm pretty sure I'm almost gay. Like, I'd do it if I had no choice. Like, if i were in prison I'd try it.
I'm like connect-the-dots of drunk. Whiskey, bourbon, vodka, rum, gin. The hidden picture is me faceplanting.
So he ended up throwing a watermelon that he stole from the cafeteria saying "if i cant have it no one can" of the 5th floor.
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
I.V.'s should just be available for purchase at Walmart. God I'm dehydrated.
I've officially done it all, fucked a girl wearing a twister board. ABC parties are amazing!
You slid down the wall and got into the fetal position. He was definitely judging... I was judging....
dude, I convinced you I was your conscience for like 15 minutes last night. you weren't just "a little high"
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
I'm saying "I told you so" now so that I don't slow down to say it on the way to grab the fire extinguisher
When I woke up this morning I swear my mouth tasted like dick and rolaids.
I think my life is a one-way ticket to blackout city.
Apparently the girl he banged in the bathroom yelled at him for hitting on me all night. But whatever, he was holding her hand for most of it
The one time I decide to bring people over you are laying naked on the coffee table watching the ceiling fan cause "it just moves so fast" I'm guessing you got paid today??
He fucked me while I was smoking his blunt. His apartment was trashed and he drives a van that looks like it’s been hit by a train but still 10/10 would fuck again.
Randomize
