Just did a line with a monopoly bill. Tell me I'm not fancy.
Good thing you left when you did - ended up getting banned from jimmy johns.
Ok so the guy below me is either having sex very loudly or is very lonely
I think i accidentally made vodka pancakes
Do you remember that time on the drunk bus when I kept thanking the bus driver for serving our country?
great idea involving lots of fake blood and face paint, call me tomorrow.
My mom is holding a picture of me, crying, and saying "where did I go wrong" over and over again.
Can't promise anything, there's vodka in my thermos
He Facebook stalked his way right into my pants.
So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
should I tell them that both of them had sex with me last Saturday? it might be a relationship builder type of thing you know?
I dont know how I should feel about you making a 37 year old come visit you and then making him do the walk of shame from your dorm room...through campus
That’s true love. If they recognize a chocolate mold of your anus.
My parents heard a lamp fall and crash and the dogs were barking like crazy so my mom got up to check. she found you peeing in a corner by the tv. And you kept shhhing her.
Stranded. In bathroom stall. No toilet paper. I repeat NO TOILET PAPER! Assistance needed asap. GO! GO! GO!
Randomize
