Ok seriously, can we bring back badminton?
There is no way when we get home that nothing will hapen
I lost of the blow last night. Found it later in my bag labeled Fairy Dust.
Just tried my new showerhead. Sex with Brian will never be the same.
Mother fucker. I'm a 30J now. I'm fucking speechless
She's like the pied piper of lesbians.
You weren't a difficult drunk to take care of. I just had to stop you from plunging the toilet once or twice.
Bro, did you watch that scooby doo porn I sent to you?
Seeing your one night stand on campus never gets less awkward. Why is Subway the only good place to eat?
Um...It has come to my attention that I may have said some rather vulgar things about Sean Connery to you and anyone listening last night, so...I apologize for that. I meant the things I said. But still. Sorry.
I'm so fucking horny right now If I blink I might cum
This is a mass text. I will facerape you if you bring me Fierce Melon Gatorade and 4 D batteries.
So your contact has been changed to "jizz weave" in my phone. Now, as strange and random as that may be, I'm slightly embarrassed to say that I have more than one contact that fits that description so please identify yourself.
He woke up & asked where his pants were then asked where he was then asked who I was. Been married 20 yrs. He was drunkest ever.
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
Randomize
