If he looks like a Gremlin DO NOT get him wet.
my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
Shark Week may as well be Shark Weed.
he looked upset that i wasn't completely shaven. i reminded him he had begged. and beggars can't be choosers.
Don't leave without me in the morning. I keep scaring everyone cause I'm sleeping in the bathtub.
dude, she was giving me a lapdance and her thong had a skid mark. no I did not hit it.
There are 9 condoms on my bed either i met the greatest girl ever last night or something horrible has happened.
When I realized it was a dog, and I still had a boner, it was awkward.
she screamed "my eye!" and it brought me a surge of bad memories. except she was yelling about a lemon.
It's Saturday night and I'm sitting on my couch by myself, watching Glee, and drinking gin and tonics. If you listen very closely, you can hear the wails of my mother giving up hope that I will ever give her a son-in-law.
You were outside cuddling a rock singing Bohemian Rhapsody.
I think I accidentally invented a religion.
I keeping finding meatballs in random places
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
I use my feet as sexual weapons
Randomize
