I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
If you get a breast reduction, you have to let me see them before hand at least once. It's a rule.
I can't ever handle being "that girl" again. At least not until next semester.
i walked in the apt and she was vacuuming. i asked why and she said so we could have sex on the floor. i love clean freaks.
I love when I'm alone in the house. It's like pants were never invented.
Step 1: drink. 2: drink more. 3: go for it. 4a: success. 4b: drink more. 5. drink. 6. go for other girls. 7. drink more. Sound good?
I actually didn't mind her sub-par blowjob skills.. It took me back to a time when skipping class was noticed, and my liver didn't look like a worn out shoe
You know what my problem is? I'm like a machine designed for the sole intention of removing the pants from damaged girls.
Wanna hang out? my DILF had to dip out for his sons little league game
I need a burrito and a hug.
We had a One Night Stand 6 months ago but he just Facebook invited me to his wedding. Who the fuck does that.
I'm pmsing and only have one functional foot
Never in a million years thought I would have to put jello shot recipe/equation into an excel spreadsheet
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
She started waving a nerf rifle around and demanding free booze.
Randomize
