The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
What did we do last night that was yellow?
I feel kinda awkward using the Sesame Street themed Google to search for hot young pussy...
so he just called his new girlfriend by my name and she was too drunk to even notice how awkward..
Sending me a thank you card for letting you fuck my sister was completely inappropriate
Jello bowls to the fucking face, that or ramen spiked with liq. Those are the only options in this house.
THIS NIGHT WILL NOT GO DICKLESS
There is is 40 year old penis staring me in the face right now if there was ever a time to be a good friend its right now.
I hit a child with a fudge sickle from a moving vehicle after he flipped me off, I feel like a God. Tell no one. My partner didn't see it.
Whenever you get off. By "pick me up from work" I mean, "pick me up from a bar by work at your earliest convenience" :)
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
I'm pretty sure I asked his brother if he was gay while drunkenly falling to the ground.
Let's celebrate our freedom by getting high and doing stupid shit.
He made a deal with his real estate agent called fucking in 50 properties for sale
i have two papers due tomorrow. contemplating if i should take adderall in my anus for full effects
Randomize
