i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
you fucking puked into the top of the beer bong while i was chugging from it. when i realized i was chugging your vomit, i vomitted on the floor. she kicked us both out.
We left around 4 AM after the stripper showed no mercy and dropped into a split on Matt's nose. Massive nosebleed.
...She then said get into the spirit and started making firecracker noises while having sex
i should probably find things i have in common with someone besides drinking, before having sex with them
I love having a vagina, its like having the keys to a city
After we smoked, the cops questioned us but i just asked if he wanted to join our basketball team.
I need to get skinnier so that I know when pregnancy scares are real...
I woke up in solitary confinement, wheb they moved me the guy that sold me the pill of Molly at the concert was in the police waiting room, we nodded to each other.
Oh god. Standing was a rash decision
I made it to Starbucks to do work and I've just been sitting here with my head on the table for 30 minutes...
So I had a crappy evening so the fat girl in me says eat and cry and watch something sad. The cool girl in me says don't eat go run. So I'm watching family guy and doing crunches w a pickle in my mouth
Gross
AN ACTUAL PICKLE
Seriously. All i can say is im covered in mud, my jaw hurts, i cannot straighten my arm, egg is everywhere, and there is a dead squirrel.
Oh Julie took your pants off last night, I put your pajama bottoms on, and Rachel took your bra off. It takes a village.
I reek of vagina.. My cab driver commented.
There's nothing more rewarding than telling you that I fucked your dad
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