Last night must have been awesome, my dog still smells like vomit.
This kind of poor decision making requires a real cup, not a mason jar.
She can't really be mad at me. I made you two sisters... Dick sisters.
In chronological order you drank, sang, smoked, napped, threw up, cried, laughed, described your pubic area, passed out. You have abused the privilege to use me as your D.D.
Until then we have the self affirmation from retweets and nights alone with pizza..
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
Ummmmm okay let's be incredibly straightforward. Hi there. My bed's at half capacity this evening. How'd you like to fill it up?
I'm having flashbacks from last night. Did I admit to pausing Whitney's funeral because I was watching porn? I believe I did.
It was so weird. She left to go to the bathroom and her older sister leaned towards me with a creepy smile and said, "You don't deserve her" and then continued to stare at me with a crazy expression for the rest of the evening.
That's kinky shit dude.
And I also succeeded in getting kicked out of a bar when I was drinking straight from the vodka bottle at our table.
Thank you for caring about my cervix.
are we fucking for lunch or am I using my vibrator ?
He offered to buy me free breakfast if I stayed at the hotel overnight with him. I then realized they have a complimentary breakfast.
dropping lines from Workaholics has slowly become my icebreaker when hitting on girls. who would have thought "lets get weird" would cause girls to actually get weird
Lets just put it this way. Im meeting his nana after a mind blowing orgasm.
Randomize
