Strawberries are so good its weird that food is growable
alcohol turns me into mario batali of easy mac
Just shaved my legs with toilet water in a walgreens bathroom. I am so classy.
i found your underwear in my bra... i dont even remember how this happened.
shit. all i remember is the look on your moms face.
He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
Close your eyes and stop texting and think about puppies. You'll be fine.
since you saved your number in my phone as "the hot chick you met last Friday" I don't know who you are either
I wonder if they have a "21st birthday" section in the hospital..
I left the guinea pigs on the dryer. Make sure to take care of them.
my mom found me passed out in the kitchen floor with the Brita pitcher.. Happy Mothers Day
I will be going to walgreens soon.. nothing says trainwreck like pickin up a scrip for xanax at 2am drunk..
Naw, the sex dungeon had to come down so we could build a nursery. Cause and effect really.
Can't decide if it was more awkward buying sheets together or disposing of them afterwards
Adulthood is making your own puke bucket.
High school drama coach is wasted and wanted me to tell you that I’m good at flip cup and you should be very proud of me
Where the hell are you
Randomize
