do you know your status is "goal for vegas: hook up with a girl AND a boy"?
and THATS why i'm not adding my mom on facebook
he was so high, he talked to my goldfish for an hour telling him the dangers of overfeeding.
My body isn't even mad at me...just disappointed
Close your eyes and stop texting and think about puppies. You'll be fine.
I woke up to a head of lettuce on my nightstand, someones Honda abandoned in my yard, the cat partially shaved, and a empty bottle of sailor hanging by a scarf from the rafters. Oh, and 26 people apparently came though and rubbed my back in the process of the night. Happy 23rd to me!
i told myself when i was 16 i would never fuck an Alan. now i've fucked 3 and i'm punching my 16-year-old self in the face
Could have been worst, could have seen me bent over biting her carpet while her son was inside me, i think i would have respnded with "i was just trying to be quiet"
I'm just trying to absorb as much of the fluids from the carpet as I can.
I just had a great idea for an etsy shop. Sell all the shit bitches leave from one nighters
Just cried to my husband about how much I'm going to miss my boyfriend... Maybe marriage is going to work for me after all
I never thought I would have to put a band-aid on my penis.
He stole me a cantaloupe and we drunkenly broke into a park and ate it on a bench with my pocket knife. I think i need to marry him
i can eat my weight in tater tots. don't test me, bitch
yeah i'm making him "thanks for letting me befriend your toilet" cookies. wanna help? i'm sure you'll be making new friends too.
there is such a gross feeling of satisfaction when the married guy i used to hook up with likes my facebook status.
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