I wish my penis had an off switch
watching E! true Hollywood story: curse of the lottery.. i'd probably spend all my money on blow and airplanes too..
it's one of those mornings where you are proud of yourself just for waking up.
She rolled over this morning and asked "did you refer to my vagina as splash mountain last night? "
It can't be good... The last recollection I have is singing lullabys to his penis
No fireworks. Throwing the old microwave off the deck.
doing a walk of shame covered in blue food coloring is only embarrassing if you make it embarrassing...actually no its embarrassing on all accounts
You threw up on yourself mid conversation with your mom and then told her a girl at the party puked on you.
It's been so long that I've occasionally forgotten I own a vagina
I still have the video of you three making soup in my kitchen and asking random people for permission DURING the party, not after like usually
Don't remember, didn't happen
I HAVE THE VIDEO YOU DICK IT HAPPENED
he was making out with her against the stove and started a fire--the thirst literally almost burned the place down!!
Finding out you're not a mother on Mother's Day >>>
Our first time hooking up was on New Years and we've managed to hook up every holiday since, I'm hoping this lasts until 2016 just to fulfill my American Holiday sex fantasy I never knew I had
That sad moment when the drawer I used to keep condoms in now has poptarts in it..
My penis definitely considers my Captain Cock costume a success
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