3:26am: come over
you purposely dodge me and you could have stopped me from leaving, you know how far i live. YOU come over
4:11am: mnlodp
dude I don't understand hebrew and I'm not coming over
DAMN! I hate it when i drunkenly erase all my "sent message" and wake up in the morning and my inbox is full of "WTF?" and "Huh?" messages.
I like how washing the beer bong is now a regular part of washing the dishes.
found your viking helmet in the parking lot this morning, its missing a horn. There was still liquor in the remaining horn. shots from a viking helmet should be mandatory.
This guy in church just had a prayer request to help him get through his hangover. He is my new hero.
Man, i was looking at the pictures i took last night in one i was on the Kentucky line fist pumping with a hobo..wth happened?
hey, do you know how many packets of jello it takes to turn a handle of vodka into slutty girls?
More importantly, he hasn't caught an STD yet. I mean I'd say it's luck, but at this point it has to be skill.
found glitter on my cock. thank you for bringing me to that dance recital.
My ass is underappreciated
He better be a good lay, these underwear cost $50.
You're his holy grail. The moment he finally gets you to orgasm he'll probably just retire and become a monk.
Turns out end of the world sex is H-O-T, HOoot! I'll be the only progressive lady smiling today
so my parents definitely heard me when I was cumming last night...
There will be plenty of opportunity for me to sexualize Mike via VenMo.
Randomize
