I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
Spent $1500 on bottle service and have a lump on my head from hitting the nightstand while puking. Excess? Nooo Success.
Do fat girls normaly have fat that look like a penis by their pussy?
What the hell did you do last night?!
Is it bad that I had sex with another guy on my boyfriend's bed while he's out of town?
Just flip the mattress, it erases all
Done and done
remember last night when you and I took turns yelling THIS IS HUGE in my dogs faces? I love wine night.
I'm just sayin' man be careful, that chick has castration written all over her.
Managed to get through family dinner without anyone knowing I was tripping balls. Christmas miracle. He exists.
Do you know how hard it is to maintain a conversation with someone who just told you they put their cat in the fridge on purpose?
I'm in the sex attic, crying, eating french toast and taco
WHEN DO I FOLLOW THESE PEOPLE. I WOKE UP THIS MORNING &FOUND TWEETS FROM ILLUMINATI AND "hot shot 6th grader"
Two run-ins with cops/park rangers tonight and now I'm just wandering around high and shirtless
Sacramento doesn't deserve you
We got way too high so we're sitting in the parking lot of the movies trying to figure out what bar to go to
So you'd go straight for a fat chick with cheese on her tits?
Yes.
My body is telling me there was tequila. My pictures say it was Jeff's fault
Have you ever hotboxed under your comforter? Best. Decision. Ever.
Randomize
