my hangover today makes thursday's feel like a bubble bath.
Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
halfway through eating me out he goes 'oh that reminds me i have to buy fish for good friday'
so, the parking garage attendent caught us humping in the car. long story short, we have free parking whenever we want! take that abstinence.
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After having to meet his mom half naked, running into the tree in front of her didn't seem so bad.
You are the only person I know that goes to a bar enough to charge your iPhone there....
There is only one good excuse for how sore I am right now. And that is incredibly acrobatic sex. Unfortunately for me that is not my excuse.
So I think I might just embrace the awkwardness and say he fingerblasted her cause thats the greatest word in existence
Our room will be decorated with my urine.
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Someone's vagina was extra sandy cause the left side of my bed feels like the beach.
Is it bad that I coached my cousins 6 year old boy to steal a 30 rack of keystone out of an unattended cooler at our family reunion, or was I just giving him a social head start in high school? I err on the side of awesome.
I just had the most intense bikini wax of my life, i felt like i needed guardrails
They won't let me buy alcohol in the airport until 9am. Super judgemental
Lol he touched my butt after his grad party and a shooting star went by. No kidding. My ass is mystical.
I keep finding Kraft singles in his pockets. Honestly, this is the weirdest family I've ever worked for.
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