if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
You were playing beer pong by yourself. Finally someone took the ball and threw it into the bonfire. You sat by it, cried, and contemplated how to get it out. For 45 minutes.
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
and now that ive poetically compared your vagina to a nuclear missile, I hope youre prepared for this date.
"thanks for the sex" was written in lipstick on my bathroom mirror. i'm officially done with random hook ups.
Dangr zzzzzzzzone
She's dipping the chocolate graham crackers in marshmallow vodka for a 'campfire taste'
Some girl came up to us crying that she lost her phone and you said "if it's meant to be, let it be"
His cat kept scratching my feet while we were having sex. There's only room for one pussy around here. It also concerns me that he owns a cat.
Hey can you send me a copy of my mugshot? I need it to prove a point
Remember that time I hopped home naked from the bar, then tried to convince you I was ok to drive you home? Good call on the taxi.
I now have a other guy willing to drive 3 hours for my vagina. At my next gyno appointment I'm asking her if there's cocaine in there.
There was a deer right in front of me when I came. Sex in the forest is awesome
So the 25yr old smokeshow I fucked last night said "Prepare to be disappointed" as he put the condom on. I was. 40 is bullshit.
Randomize
