yeah. then i thought it would be a good idea to show them how hairy my armpits were, so they'd be distracted from the bush in my pants. EPIC FAIL.
I was wrong being drunk doesn't make accounting more interesting
I figured it out. hungover me hates drunk me, drunk me hates sober me, and sober me hates being sober. so yes, were blacking out tonight.
My sink just fell out of the wall. I can't deal with this right now
no seriously, she's legit pissed i'm late to lunch because i was watching full house. there's obviously no future here.
I've developed breathing exercises to keep myself from puking..
I like to think I'd be good at dodging genitalia.
and ive been naked for the greater part of the evening. alone, drunk, and naked. i think that is how all great interventions start.
I've slipped into the part of my life where I am not having sex to get Phils tickets from this chick. I need to seriously rethink my life decisions
I'm going home because your Crackraptor step-brother tried getting his nasty meat hawks in my pants last night.
Found a phone out last night at the bar. EPIC homemade porn vids on it!
My one night stand said I love you, opened my fridge, stole my cream cheese and left.
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
She's one of those people who could be either 16 or 23. In which case she's too old for me or in dangerously jailbait territory for you, bro.
My breath smells like dick and biscuits..
Randomize
