it wasn't sex, it was awkward naked time.
so it turns out that "condoms galore" does, indeed, come up on your bank statement
You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
I'm at a party with half naked strippers driving in a little kids battery powered mustang around a stipper pole in his bedroom
Hey, 'thunder cock' as proud as I am for you getting laid, could you put a muzzle on her? I have to be up at 5, thanks.
How was your weekend?
The sex was so good. It hurts to exist.
i've never been that scared in my life. i ran naked into the corner and he just stood there trying to shield his boner from the light.
No if my life depended on you fingering me just let me die
We will go to karaoke
Okay, well, i'm covered in paint, haven't showered & have already been drinking, so if I fall on the floor in a blaze of depeche mode & beer tears, you can't pretend you don't know me
I just had to close my blinds so my neighbors wouldn't see me drinking a beer at 9 am. GO CHIEFS!
I'm taking a shower and i'm gonna bring my pocketknife with me
Here's a concept though: eating pasta while getting laid
The bouncers found you passed out on the toilet. They tried to move you but you refused and repeatedly shouted that you wanted to go out like Elvis.
True life: I got so drunk that i took a shower with my clothes on at 4 am...
The high school classes are online, not my sex life. He still comes over for “teacher / parent conferences.” A couple more “conferences” and I’ll be able to rewrite the Sex Ed curriculum
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