I just saw the nastiest chick.
Where?
woke up next to her... fuck you jack daniels, fuck you
Joey just asked me if I ever got anything stuck in my vag.
was it embarrassing when you had to say yes?
they have a walk of shame score keeper on their fridge. I marked my tally for him on my way out..
Literally just spent 45 minutes converting my paintball gun to shoot condoms....
Just found a hole in my wall with your left shoe in it.
All together there was 318 cigarette butts in the pool... And my microwave.
It isn't possible and the very mindfuck of that concept gives me a lady boner.
Someone snapchat me a pic of you topless laying on the bar with Scotty pouring a bottle of tequila down your throat. IT'S NOT EVEN ELEVEN YET.
School starts next week
I've made out with more people in 2014 than I did the whole fall semester
I just ordered a "football meatlong" from subway
Can't talk, ducks in the car
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
I just puked in a chili’s bathroom... happy birthday to me
Does it look too obvious if I buy wine and candles!?! In my defense there is a gigantic snow storm coming.
I totally fucked your pastor last night.
You're his wife.
Still a dirty get down.
Randomize
