I want 2 things right now, you or a cig
cig
I know right? mind you this is the same woman who told me when I was 12 that oral sex just meant talking dirty
How do 1 in 4 women misread a pregnancy test; how stupid are women?
i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
I just caught Brandon licking the fake chocolate on a smores ornament
By getting ready I mean putting baby powder in my hair and possibly changing my pajamas to another pair of pajamas
we were both as far on opposite edges of my bed as possible this morning. id say work is gonna be a little uncomfortable from now on
just passed out again, this time at a subway. On a positive not they gave me a free sandwich, pretty sure out pity but at this point i don't care
u got into a flexing contest with a dude in bathroom in the mirror at the club
To do list: put blue gatorade in a windex spray bottle. spray it into my mouth in public so people think i'm drinking windex.
He threw up, and left his credit card next to the puddle. He kept on saying he wanted to pay for the damages.
And then after we fucked he wouldn't stop calling me "champ". It was like I had sex with an extremely attractive soccer coach
That's not "anything", that's you deep throating a mozzarella stick.
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
he had DANDRUFF in his PUBES. 0/10 would not blow again.
Randomize
