I want you to know that wearing office supplies as jewelry results in waking up with the wrong roommate. Also, strip clubs and vodka don't mix.
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
great, thanks for announcing that I gave you head over twitter
at least I said it was good
I'm drinkin whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
She gave me a BJ with my hoodie on. it was like i was blowing myself.
please don't text me until you can spell three letter words again.
so the good news is that i can't possibly burn my eyelashes off tonight at the bbq.
Note to self: do not ride giant beanbag chair down stairs.
I was stopped at a light on my way home and a priest threw holy water on my car. Seems fitting after last night.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm eating cheesecake with my hands completely naked while falling asleep
I drank too much tequila. I'm hyperventilating. Send help. I think I slipped through satan's asshole.
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
If there's anything else you're planning on stealing from me, please let me know so I can set it on fire
That went from 0 to lesbian orgy much faster than expected...
I deserve a medal for being woke up at 6am on my day off by your mother asking where your brother is
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