I got three cases. When they asked for id I said it was suspended for drunk driving.
are you looking for your table cloth? Cause I found it around my neck this morning...
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
Puked up what appears to be battery acid next to the treadmill. Everyone noticed.
She broke both of her ankles trying to jump off the balcony. it's like every time she drinks she makes even more impressively bad decisions than the last time
We forgot to go back and get the brick YOU WANTED TO BRING INTO THE BAR?
For future reference, Twizzlers CAN leave welts.
Oh my god. I just realized something amazing. If I get pregnant with a boy, that technically means I have a penis right??????
I can't believe she made out with my 15 year old brother. That kid can seriously pull.
I sewed up my pants, stole his girlfriends white shirt, and went to work hungover like a responsible adult.
I have bad memories with every alcohol but we manage to work through the problems for the good of the relationship
It's amazing what a couple of orgasms can do for a girls demeanor.
I was so horny last night, I failed to let him know about my current bed bug infestation.
I'm at forever 21 and someone pooped in the dressing room.
At this point, I would not mind getting hit by a truck. It would mean I could get this over with quicker.
Randomize
