My mind said no, but my drink said yes.
And I just remember seeing him for the first time and being like, who is this ape of a man? Like legit he could be the missing link
my boss just made his own remix to aaron carter's i want candy. i cant decide if its the funniest or most embarrassing thing ive seen
So I'm driving and this guy next to me at the stop light is reving his engine and honking at me. Motherfucker thinks that's because I'm asian and drive a honda I'm automatically going to race him
this guy is so high, he just ate half of a frozen blueberry muffin and half of a frozen poppyseed muffin, then proceeded to make a "hybrid poppyberry muffin"
Let's have sex soon. Just us!! Its sad that I have to specify.
drunk her ninja stole one of the pizzas as it arrived and hid all of the pieces in a cereal box in the fridge.Genius.
Trying to find a reliable dealer on Rockfordmugshots.com. Guy arrested for 15 grams of coke could be him !
You realize those people have been ARRESTED recently. right.
You wanted to thank my penis. You wanted me to take the condom off so you could touch it and thank it.
Me and the cabbie are stopping on the way at a sit down restaurant to eat. My life is so sad.
Like he and the nurses kept being so persistent with it and I just wanted to run out of there in my backless gown and yell FUCK OFF BITCHES IM OUT
This is the third time my roommate and I have drunkenly hooked up. I'm starting to think she's not as straight as she says she is.
I'm deleting Tinder. I got there he rubbed my back and then proceeded to jerk off on me.
I may or may not have tried to give myself a lobotomy
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
Randomize
