Everything we own is covered in grass and KY
Omg. The nephews found my stripper pole. The scary part is theyre good at it.
I keep telling myself that if Britney can make it through 2007, I can make it through this date.
The dopest dose you'll ever dose. I felt like an octopus all of thursday
Its like her house is inhabited by 50 year old lesbian water color artists with a throw pillow fetish
Last time we had an ultimatum like that, things went very far south. I'm down, but it's your turn to wake up in a hospital.
You were drink-wine-from-the-bottle drunk trying to take everybody's blood pressures again.
Also I told several people at the bar last night that my dad the alligator wrestler died wrestling an alligator. So if anyone asks that's real.
think before you get married my friend it's my birthday and just got done jacking off
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
I can't even be mad at customs in houstons airport anymore for missing my flight and having to stay overnight. Within an hour of meeting we did it at her place. Her last word being "glad I could show you real southern hospitality". I'm definitely coming back here someday
I used the line "you don't have enough pillows". Then left. Thought you should know.
I'm watching Netflix with my cats and eating homemade bread. Everyone and everything can go and fuck itself.
Nah, just stick him in a closet with some cheetos, a blunt and soda. The darkness will calm him down until Mallory can be located.
So this morning when I woke up. I found my refrigerator open and no more food. It was empty, I'm home alone for the week. Where in hell did that food go?
Randomize
