when i'm not drinking i'm making facebook events about drinking
Do you think unemployment will give me a christmas bonus?
Were not really friends so much as I suck his dick a lot
He puked at the bar then immediately procceded to slip in it, they loaded him up into a wheelchair, then the staff and myself walked him outside, all the while never having to pay for our tab. SO using this strategy again
nothing like a tattoo of a large eagle attacking a small eagle whos attacking a shark to bond to siblings together for life
BTW. If I show up really drunk and dressed a cowboy, don't be alarmed
Just smoked out of an apple with Steve Jobs. I love Halloween.
What the fuck is wrong with your family? Why do you have unfrosted pop tarts.
Names, who you're caught in bed with, both minor details
You yelled "NICE PAJAMAS" at a construction worker wearing a reflective jumpsuit while we rode past on a bike taxi
And tan into my neighbor in the elevator. She was going to the gym. I was covered in mascara and dog hair eating a hash brown
Legit sprained my cooter. No joke. Icing her down as we speak.
It wasn't intentional or anything but I've now had sex with all of your siblings. How's college going?
Could’ve gone my whole life not seeing a man snort coke off another man’s cock... but there it is...
It's official we're now working from home permanently. I'm getting paid to have sex and sandwiches. I hit the lottery.
Randomize
