My dignity? Collapsing on itself like a dying star.
The Mets? Come back? That'd be like Nickelback writing a good song.
My roommate still talks on AIM. What is this middle school?
omg. if hes just gonna get mad everytime i have sex with one of his "friends" then it was never gonna work out
Just found a picture of me licking the bouncers ear last night
Ya, because touching his brother's face for 20 minutes in front of him wasn't bad enough, I also threw up in his garden and stole like 10 of his shirts before I left. But I fed his dog, so it's okay.
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
And I feel like pitchers of margaritas accidentally make it down your throat a lot.
I mean, the lady at the Mexican restaurant insisted. She said she would win a prize if she sold another pitcher before noon. And plus I got to wear a sombrero
Finals drinking + forgeting you had to take your ambien because you work at 6am mid paper= drunk logic which then entails going on a "detox" run. Puking your guts put in the field house bushes while some random guy says to you "its okay. We're marching on."
I let a blind guy feel me up. All he kept saying was "oh fuck yeah!"
the police report says i screamed sanctuary from a jungle gym at the playground when they caught up with us, obviously they disregarded international law.
STOP PUTTING PICTURES OF JONAH HILL IN MY KITCHEN CABINETS!
His weed is so good that I don't wanna risk loosing him as my weed man so I plan to keep him in the friend zone 😂
Remember that time I came to London for 4 hours, got hammered, cried for an hour and then left.
idk how many shots you took between 2:39 and 3:05, but your message went from "Please text me tomorrow." to "Why you sto textom?"
Randomize
