You told me you were pretty sure you were god because you knew everything about everyone.
So my retainer doesn't fit, so i'm getting drunk so i can put it back in. Alone.
You would...
you figure out which one you wanna sleep with, & I'll sleep with the other one. problem solved
i find it unbelievable that you didn't think it was necessary to intervene when i started letting people autograph my body with spray tan.
I just had to download an app to edit pictures on my new phone. The things I do for sexting...
I woke up with like grass burns all over my body, i'm pretty sure i made out with someone under a bus. . . but i'm not sure
Oh, I forgot to ask if u have any idea what happened to the back of my ear and if u were present when I almost fell off the roof...
IF SOMEONE ASKS YOU IF YOU WANT THE GOOD DRUGS YOU SAY YES.
He has pizza coupons and a hammer next to his toilet.
Oh we were great hosts that night. We made sure to leave all the beds open by passing out on the bathroom floors instead.
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
we tried to make a drinking game out of 4 pokemon cards you found in a drawer.
You know you're more responsible when you turn down your bed and make a clear path to it before you go out..
Dude, she was there with her husband and I was there with my wife. Of course we banged in the bathroom.
He ate me out on the front lawn of the post office. The people in the office across the road definitely got a show!
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