I just walked into a tree. I think it's time to go home.
um i just realized that some of the people at my family reunion look inbred. thats not a good sign.
hahaha beady eyes set close together? defs inbred.
my dads cousin just put a cig in his dogs mouth and says, "look its a commercial for newport!" holy hell i hope im adopted.
Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
I JUST MET THE GIANT MAN THAT WILL CARRY ME FROM PLACE TO PLACE
Had no idea what his name was when I woke up. Went through his desk, found his tax records. Ben. And loaded.
she said I was laying next to a garbage can in the subway doing key bumps and screaming "its my fucking birthday" repeatedly
I have yet found the courage to put pants on. No judgement thursday led to no shower friday and now no pants saturday. God i miss college.
I have already decided that it happened in an alternate universe since both of the people involved don't remember it and we only have the word of a sober person that it happened at all
I told him I was going to sit on his face after I got out of the shower, he threw up the arm boners and yelled "STEVE HOLT!!" I might actually stop sleeping with other dudes.
I specifically remember rubbing my eyes thinking I could definitely go blind and I really like came to terms with it I was like ok my other senses will develop this is fine
Some days you ride the struggle bus. Other days, it gets a flat, the AC breaks, and you run over a bunny.
So I'm at home coloring while smoking a joint. It can only go down hill from here.
You know the rule about how you feel bad for getting food and not offering other people you're around, does that apply when you eat burger king at a strip club?
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
Randomize
