Her name starts with A and ends with whore.
i wish there was a holiday celebrated with pizza eating
this is like black Friday for my dealer. I'm literally standing in line.
So you walked 4 miles to get home but stopped by the store first to get a vegetable tray? How drunk were you?
There are 9 condoms on my bed either i met the greatest girl ever last night or something horrible has happened.
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
I want to get so drunk, you will need subtitles to understand me. Rough week.
bad night - i tried for naughty librarian but could only manage to pull off pissed off barrista.
I tried to talk to him, but he didn't recognize me at first. I had to show him the top of my head and then he remembered.
Turns out I sent a dick pic to my sister's ex. Grindr is the devil's eharmony.
This is kind of a weird question but were you the other girl Ben asked to do a group sex thing with?
That makes 14 Xmas cards already! Middle aged people are really nice to their dealers.
I think we need to stage a munchie intervention for Ben. I just watched him use a tortilla as a potholder to dump water out of his ramen.
I tried eating pop-rocks while giving him a bj, I honestly think I was more disappointed with the results than he was.
I am on my way right now and I SWEAR TO GOD IF YOU EAT MY BURRITO YOU WILL NEVER SEE MY TITS AGAIN
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