and while your girlfriend wears your relationship pants, i'll be wearing my ecstasy pants
I want someone to please me without me having to show him steps 1 through 5
bring the vodka.
i thought we were going to mcdonalds..?
we are.
can we meet up so i can piece together the end of my night? for instance, did i jump or fall into a plant?
Dude. The girls called me over to see what they had in their dorm. They snuck in a pigeon in a cardboard box. They named it Quincey. They swear they're sober.
A three fingered guy just showed up with fireworks and bourbon, tonight will be entertaining.
He wears a hat. All the time. Even during sex. And I'm okay with that.
I have so much boob sweat I could bathe a baby
The strip club incident sums up our friendship pretty well
I knew no one else would have gone along with it since it's morally wrong and probably illegal. You said, "Yes. And let's add fireworks."
okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.
well that's what you get for sleeping with a guy called 'the defiler'
MY GUT IS TELLING ME YES AND SO IS MY VAGINA
Went to bed still wearing my bralette. When I was changing this morning, a Tootsie Roll fell out. I'm definitely living my best life.
After I chugged my beer the cop slapped my ass and said "atta girl" this can't be real life.
Randomize
