Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
There's 12 honey baked hams in my fridge. I vaguely recalled you organizing a "Midnight Ham Run."
Just found cake in my bra, debating if I should eat it
We are probably going to have to use your boobs as currency to get this done
Things got outta hand once she told me to water-board her with Patron.
I caught her walking around with a fake mustache, wearing a sombrero and holding an empty carton of milk. She's a hopeless cause.
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
Add caroling to the list of things we need to do in an elevator
He tried to convince me that it wasn't really that small and all he had to do was pull back the groin fat. It was still small.
NATIONAL GIVE A BOSTON COP A BLOW JOB BITCH ROAD TRIP NOW
You just kept screaming "PLEASE YELL CORNDOG AT HIM. PLEASE. CORNDOG."
I just want a boyfriend who will have sex to Disney Pandora.
My diet has been 80% Fun Dip this week, soooo, no. Not good.
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog
I would also like you to tell your human bio class that I successfully smoked out the flu. 103 degree when I woke up yesterday. 100degree after one bowl. 4 more bowls and 16 hours later all that's left is a cough
Randomize
