dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
Phease come get me i thought i was in a place i don't even understand
Currently cooking 3lbs of bacon in case the power goes out bc if even one slice of bacon goes to waste then sandy wins
We were high as shit. We argued for like ten minutes about going to Dunkin Donuts and then just ended up rolling down hills. Thanks for the weed.
T minus 20 hours until we forget our names, find some city cowboys, and g&t into the night.
I don't remember coming in last night, but apparently I ate a piece of pizza because when I woke up I had pizza crust stuck to the back of my thighs.
Did I come home in a police car last night? id come downstairs to ask you but i dont think my legs work anymore
Well. At least he's a gentleman. A gentleman satanist.
You don't understand. My ass is the color of eggplant.
I think the pizza delivery guy is getting a handjob next door.
He got up in the middle of the show and returned with this massive ham shank, then offered me some by asking "wanna suckle on my hog." Should I be offended?
Are you really trying to argue your case that you seduced my cat?
I want to find him again. His Corona tank top and I were made for each other.
oh what is to come when my single life starts with a threesome?
I thought it was your cat but I was wrong your Roomba is possessed by a pissed-off evil spirit.
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