She looked kinda like Mario Batali?
I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
So are you the girl that gave me herpes? or was that the girl from the night before
doing lines of blow through a tampon applicator in the study lounge at 7am so i can finish an italian composition that was due a week and a half ago...such a good student.
you handled that situation with as much grace as someone puking involuntarily could
Is it weird that I want your dad to go down on me?
Last night I dipped into my beer fund to pay for groceries. SINCE WHEN ARE MY PRIORITIES SO WHACK???
plan d- we get drunk, go see that Justin Bieber movie and freak out 13 year old girls.
Nobody has seen her in 3 days. Should we call the cops or hope this is just another drunk Carmen San Diego game she's playing?
"it's Wednesday" isn't a good enough excuse to take my debit card and use it for your own drunken needs. You owe me 250 bro
Matt says that there are strip club auditions in our living room and he'd like you to audition.
My dad is so drunk he attempted to ride my two year old cousin's tricycle. For a solid five minutes.
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
Okay first of all, that is a sick ass nickname please call me that forever. Second, i need your help.