I don't know where I am, but I'm drinkin & I like these people
I created another version of Halloween, it's called swalloween, whatever girl in a slutty costume you bring home has to swallow or forever be known as the holiday grinch
i shit in a pringles can and hid it somewhere in your house....happy hunting
no one was sober enough to set up jenga so we just threw the pieces at the last person to drink
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
Direct quote from her that tipped me off I was getting some: "I want to jump on his shoulders and wrap my legs around his face"
After sex he cried I didn't know what to do so I patted him on the back and went to the kitchen to make waffles
The one time my sister did shrooms she thought she was thumbalina. I can't live my life that way
I wish I could be at this cabin banging all these old dads
It was Thanksgiving sex. I was thankful for it. Need I say more?
He used his penis as a drumstick on my back and had me guess what song he was playing.
Last time I checked he was house sitting for his ex while she was out of town with some new dude. He was crying about how the guy told him to stay out of his whiskey while he was gone. That's whipped
His parents came home, and now I'm hiding in a closet; awaiting death at dawn.
You are always hiding in a closet though??
I just saw your mom take a body shot off an undergrad, please tell me you're somewhere near by.
No you just wanted to pass out in your hallway because your room was too far away
Randomize
