Did Neil Armstrong say the moon was too far away! NO! He built himself a fucking rocketship is what he did!
I think I should become a real estate agent in th friend zone I know the place so well
period poops. best. ever.
omigod im sitting here with ben and he and i both got that...chick you totally just mass texted that...
i think i just put your shirt on , but i don't remember . my body can't decide if it wants to move in slow motion or fast forward
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I love how kegs are figured into our monthly bills
ok, my life is complete.... the cops AND the paramedic just made a Mean Girls reference...
Why is there an appointment in my calandar called "get the fuck to the bus" at 3 am june 19th?
Maybe I'm a robot.
You can't be that drunk already
She keeps telling me I can't keep feeding the dog my food. I gave half the weed brownie to the dog and half to me. I just want it to taste the greatness of cheezits like I am.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
They were scared I was going to get lost last night so they dressed me up as Waldo so someone would always find me.
Just tapped my penis on the head and said "this will be your year buddy."
There is a stockpile of mangos and vodka in my backyard and I'm at least 90% sure you had something to do with it.
I'm pretty sure the guy who was grinding on me while I was trying to get a drink at he bar was one of my tinder matches
I just masterbated to the home shopping channel...what have I become...
Became friends with a girl at work today until I realized we have the same taste in men. And I thought only I liked red-bearded fat men
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