I swear if I see one more guy in a v-neck and fedora I'm going to punch someone in the balls. This is philly, you're not supposed to look like Ryan Cabrera
i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
In retrospect - making it rain salt all over our kitchen was not one of my best ideas.
We almost died tonight..we almost die every night. but tonight was the closest by far
I think "I actually like giving blow jobs better" qualifies her as a keeper
It's like if a cloud had tits and you laid on them.
You are a special snowflake. A special snowflake I wouldn't mind rough sex with
It was right before we played jenga with champagne glasses for a good half hour
Remember the bouncer that knocked out Dave and Sam? Apparently his day job is a florist. Uppercut and fresh cut in one package.
Officially conquered sex on my couch with my dad asleep in the next room
I like how you say "conquered" as if that was your sole mission in life
You're too young to have this sort of Grizzled Old Drunk In Roadside Bar wisdom.
I need a guy who can see in me what the lesbian community sees in me
I'M TOO HORNY FOR GRAMMAR!!!
My vagina is very pro this idea
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
Randomize
