I have nothing to say, just wanted ur phone to vibrate
I think I just puked all over my comforter and my roomdmate won't wakt up to washc it for me
I wrote and sealed my mom's mothers day card last night while intoxicated.. should i put it in the maibox
without a question
Wow, I just sneezed gum out of my nose. Wonder how long that's been up there.
I now realize that they made gum to take the taste of dick out of your mouth.
I take that as "no I'm not driving you to the bar in a blizzard"
Welcome to texting with Mike. You're now leaving the sober section and headed to our insanely high bad decision making portion of mike. Enjoy the trip.
The dingo escaped by eating a hole through my screen door. It's loose in the city somewhere.
Also, hurry up because I don't like drinking alone. I'm still doing it, but I don't like it.
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
Update: I only have one shoe. The other one now belongs to the gods of jello-wrestling. May it rest in peace.
Sitting in back of morning lecture drinking a daqueri from my pink unicorn cup. Pretty sure the girl next to me smells it.
All I remember is waking up with 3 penises pointed at my face. I also remember enjoying that a lot. And then I threw up in their shower.
Again. I'm very sorry I tried to poke your eye out. You've been aware of my inability to aim since day one.
Sex in the backyard? Check.
Randomize
